2014

16 July 2014: Imagining a news conference with Cory Gardner

Imagining a news conference with Cory Gardner

“It’s simple: Mark Udall is avoiding an unpopular president,” former state GOP chairman Dick Wadhams told the Denver Post after Sen. Udall chose to stay in Washington to cast votes during President Obama’s visit to Colorado.  Hmmm, I thought imagining a news conference held by Republican nominee Cory Gardner…

“This is outrageous,” exclaims Gardner.  “For Mark Udall to violate a time-honored tradition is simply inexcusable.”

“I agree wholeheartedly with Cory,” adds state chair Ryan Call.  “If this isn’t proof Udall is unfit to lead Colorado, I don’t what is.”

“But Mr. Call,” says the Post reporter, “a US senator doesn’t lead a state; he or she represents it.  The governor leads it.”

“Precisely! All the more reason to vote for Cory.”

“Absolutely,” says Sarah Palin who’s in the state stumping for Gardner.  “Udall should be impeached.  What he’s done has endangered the God-given right of every American to buy, load, and carry an assault rifle even to the theater or school.”

“The problem with your statement, Ms. Palin, is that there are a plethora of problems with it,” says the Channel 9 reporter. “First, you do not impeach a senator, you recall him.”

“Yes, I recall that, but you are impeaching my plethora knowledge of the Constitution,” retorts Palin.  “I Googled my laptop and found on Wikipedia a website called There Outta Be a Law funded by the Koch brothers that said governors used to appoint senators, but when I tried to do that, a judge said I couldn’t. So I tried to fire him, but another judge said I couldn’t do that either.  So, I knew as governor it was gettin’ time to exercise my Second Amendment rights.”

“But, Ms. Palin, I don’t see how this rises to the level of high crimes and misdemeanors, malfeasance, or abuse of office?” the Channel 4 reporter wonders.

“You are completely out of line, young man!” Gardner hollers coming to Palin’s defense, “Gov. Palin’s a renowned constitutional scholar.  You owe her an apology!”

“Sir, I’m a woman, not a man,” she replies pointedly.

“Oh, you kinda look like a man.  It’s that short, cropped hair.  Kinda cute, actually,” he winks. “But I can assure you women are the most important other sex for me.  Gosh, you should see the great job the missus does cleaning my house and doing the laundry, not to mention with the kids.  You gals are awesome for lots of reasons.”

“You betcha!” Palin exclaims. “But it’s not like the old days like June Cleaver though I kinda like her hair-dos and cute hand-stitched aprons.  You know, it’s 2014 so we’re finally in the 20th century, and things have changed for we girls.  Honey, can I teach you how to lock and load?”

“I think I’m good,” the reporter says,” but I would like to get back to the Udall thing.  Mr. Gardner, you called Udall being absent when the President was in town ‘inexcusable’ because it ‘violated a time-honored tradition.’  But aren’t you setting up a double standard by calling attention to something both parties are guilty of?”

“Of course not!  We Republicans stand by each other through thick and thin.”

“Uh, two words for you, Mr. Gardner: George Bush.  I don’t recall Bob Schaffer exactly welcoming him in 2008,” the Channel 7 reporter says.

“I’m not Bob Schaffer.  I’m far more photogenic.  I would’ve embraced Mr. Bush or, uh, I would’ve shook his hand.  He was, after all, the President of the United States.”

“Then why didn’t you greet President Obama like Texas Governor Rick Perry did when Obama went there?  It wasn’t, after all, a campaign trip, and he is the President of the United States.”

“Unlike Udall I had other obligations.  But I want to use this time to talk about other issues like how Obama and Udall are completely screwing up the economy.”

“Uh, sir, the unemployment rate hasn’t been this low in Colorado or nationwide since 2008 when they were first elected, and our economy is outpacing all others including Europe and China.”

“Yes, but there’s the border issue.  Illegal immigration is out of hand!”

“Uh, sir, the vast majority of Americans, regardless of party, wants Congress to work with the President and pass comprehensive immigration reform.  Will you commit to pushing the Republican leadership to do that?”

“After what happened to my good friend Eric Cantor?  Good luck on that!  But I do want to comment on the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision.  Isn’t it awesome?” he beams.

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