26 March 2008: Clear Creek in a nutshell: American Pie style

Clear Creek in a nutshell: American Pie Style

“When the Jester said to the King and Queen in the coat he borrowed from James Dean”

What a crazy year! I’ve been so busy commenting on insignificant issues, that I’ve been remiss about addressing what’s really important. So, a countywide sweep:

The big news, of course, is in regard to the complicated annexation issue in Idaho Springs. First, what many may not be aware of is the attempt by Dumont to annex Idaho Springs. It seems that Dumontans, after assessing their dire economic plight, have cast lecherous eyes on their eastern neighbor.

“You gotta grow, baby,” commented one stout local. “It’s like eating. If you ever quit, you die. And why diet on fruits, nuts, and veggies when you can o-d on chips, ice cream, and soda?”

“But isn’t that ultimately self-destructive with all the fat and cholesterol,” I asked?

“Maybe, but so what?” he responded. “Life is meant to be enjoyed and town growth is that way. It’s about spreading your borders before some other huckster comes by and grabs the land. Look, if we don’t annex Idaho Springs, either Downieville or Lawson will leapfrog over us, and then we’ll be caught in a vice and crushed!”

Another point he made is that annexing Idaho Springs would allow Dumont to tap into the Idaho Springs water supply that is second only to Lake Superior in terms of fresh water capacity in the U.S. Dumontans really like that as they have been feeling ickier about drawing their supply from Clear Creek downstream from Georgetown after having pulled out a few trout with multiple sex organs.

The town mothers and fathers reason as well that by annexing Idaho Springs it can serve in time as Dumont’s high density, blighted urban region, thus allowing Olde Towne Dumont to remain the exclusive reserve of county blue bloods.

Meanwhile, up the hill at Alice with the Eclipse area primed to boom, word has it that a few entrepreneurial types have been developing marketing plans to entice boarders and skiers from the I-70 gridlock with its new moniker: Vail East.

Their long-term goal is to make it a world-class destination area. One idea is to entice George W. Bush, a Texan who can’t ski but plans to take up snowboarding after his retirement, to build a trophy home with the hope he could do for Alice—that is, Vail East—what former president Gerald Ford did for old Vail.

In Georgetown, there has been some reticence to Joe Sysal’s proposal to build an alternative wastewater facility. Town leaders like the idea of digging a 300-foot hole for the waste as the first step in the process. They just don’t believe it goes deep enough.

One Selectman suggested that the hole be dug all the way to China.

“First,” he said, “with all our crap, we’d fill a 300-foot hole in no time. Second, I say let’s send that crap to China to get back at them commie capitalists for foisting those poison-tainted toys off on our kids.” He didn’t seem, by the way, to be too upset with American capitalists for their role in foisting poison-tainted toys on their own kids.

Also in Georgetown, leaders have developed a plan in cooperation with CDOT to rescue the Loop RR. CDOT is now buying into an advanced technology called rail. CDOT honchos were out in force for a demonstration on the potential for rail and were amazed at the power of diesel engines chugging up Devil’s Gate at a mind-blowing 17 mile per hour.

“Hey, look at the speed you actually travel on I-70,” stated one exec. “Skiers would give their right legs to be clipping along that fast. Imagine what it might be like if we designed trains to go as fast as or even faster than cars could on the open highway!” His eyes then glazed over in wonderment, dreaming of what could be.

The officials, though, were only a bit disconcerted when the bridge began to sway and teeter, but wrote it off to potential collateral damage that any project endures.

“As for the bridge’s stability,” noted another whiz kid, “why shucks, back in Kanetucky, that bridge is a model of iron-clad stability.”

In Empire, the debate has primarily focused on the need to keep the flashing yellow light intact near the One Room School. It serves no useful purpose in terms of traffic, of course, but it does, along with the yellow sign indicating a kids’ crossing, let non-locals know that there are actually kids in Empire. That’s important to family-values tourists who might see Empire as a hippie commune and waver about stopping for a wholesome 99-cent burger or ice cream cone.

Finally, back to Dumont, the annexation vote will precede the Idaho Springs’ Floyd Hill vote by one week on April 1. So, let’s join them in celebration of our great democracy and enjoy some American Pie.

“And while the king was looking down, the jester stole his thorny crown. The courtroom was adjourned; no verdict was returned.”

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