2006

29 March 2006: Spirit of Fools

In the spirit of fools and Americanism

It has been brought to my attention I’ve been focusing too much on trivial issues such as the imposition of fascism on America and too little on more weighty items such as the speed limit differential near the Twin Tunnels. Mea Culpa. To help address that, this piece is focused on the latest happenings around Clear Creek, the cosmic center.

First, congratulations to the school district for telling the Guv it is opting out of CSAP in retaliation for him dissing CCHS. It seems some were taken aback when he bestowed his paternal blessing on the Rush Limbaugh wannabe who got his 15 minutes of infamy by blindsiding his teacher. One BOE member groused that Clear Creek students were far more over the top when it came to being rude and conniving. “The tomatoes they got from the school cafeteria and hurled at Dr. Wasfi weren’t even organic. They were grown with enough pesticide to kill a bull moose.” S/he (name protected for obvious reasons) felt the least the Guv could do was to invite the remaining student body (now in double digits) to his office with a follow up Bronx cheer for open-minded people on The Mike Rosen Show. “Besides,” s/he noted, “we’ve always felt CSAP is just crap.”

Look for the pending announcement from Hodge-Podge Construction, a local subsidiary of Halliburton –Dubai Ports International, that it has landed a sweetheart deal to construct CDOT’s four additional lanes from Empire Junction to Lawson. CEO Hobby Podge in a photo opt with Highway Czar Tom Norton insists his position on the BOS has nothing to do with his company securing the deal. “I may be a social liberal and environmentalist, but when it comes to profit, I am Republican to the bone. Business is business, and if you need to shake hands with the devil or even Tom Norton to seal a deal, you do it.” As for environmental justice for the region, Norton suggested it is an antiquated concept. “Look,” he sniffed, “anyone with half a brain can see that Clear Creek is just a scenic by-way for the important people of Vail, Breck, and Highlands Ranch. Sometimes the little people have to suck it up for their betters. After all, what were the Bush tax cuts all about?”

In other promising news for the local economy, word has it “James” and “Pat,” two same-gender entrepreneurs, will be opening a gay and lesbian “domestic partner union” house near Georgetown, hoping to capitalize on the hugely successful Brokeback Mountain, which actually did win Best Picture, at least from their perspective. To make a connection with the region’s salacious past and its more randy characters, they plan to call it the Silver Queen. Commented “James,” “We were hopelessly homophobic fundamentalists. Then, we heard the Lord’s call. Like Ennis and Jack, neither ‘Pat’ nor I is gay, of course. It’s just like any thing else—business. But this will be our little nest egg and hideaway.”

Speaking of Georgetown, at last there is a move afoot to “clean up” the town. It seems front yards are being used more frequently for storing household items such as washers, dryers and snowmobiles. Not all seem to be bothered by the “trash,” however. The Hysterical Society has issued a ruling saying that as long as the items predate its members, they should be considered antiques. “For example, if the washer were a Maytag wringer type, that might pass muster,” clarified one insider. As for the “vintage cars” stored on the corner of Sunburst and Silver Cloud, s/he opined it was just a matter of perspective. “One man’s junk is another’s classic auto. A few new fenders, paint job, and oil change, and those old jalopies will be quite road worthy.”

Local Republicans are looking forward to Vice-President “Rambo” Cheney being their featured speaker at their summer fete. Expounding on his life of service to His Country, Veep Dick will explain how he was able to avoid five Selective Service drafts, but not the one for the vice-presidency, and offer tips on hunter safety. Later, in the spirit of good fun, Birdshot Dick, after slamming a few cold ones at the Tommyknocker, will take aim at local libs, actually clay pigeons with their pictures glued on. Springs officials are a bit leery for fear that, in the words of one obviously concerned town father/mother, “Things could go awry.” Even though the Veep would be, hopefully, aiming skyward, h/she insisted, “Minimum protection for everyone within range would be hunter-orange vests and pellet-proof ski masks.”

Finally, democracy is, indeed, on the march in America, much to the chagrin of theocratic fascists. The FCC has awarded community midget KYGT a 50,000-watt transmitter that will help balance rightwing powerhouse KOA. Noted an elated station official, “Now, it will be Amy Goodman’s ‘Democracy Now’ versus Rush Limbaugh’s ‘Democracy Huh!’” Plus, he quipped, “The Pate’ and Bacon News Hour” will no longer be just a local dish!”

That about covers it, so, I wish you good night, good luck, and happy Saturday.

From Edward R. Murrow, courtesy of CBS website:

“A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.”

“We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. We must remember always that accusation is not proof, and that conviction depends upon evidence and due process of law. We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason if we dig deep in our history and our doctrine, and remember that we are not descended from fearful men — not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes that were, for the moment, unpopular.”

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