Over the past weeks, I’ve trained my fire on Donald Trump, the political quack that’s the product of a compliant, sycophantic media and a mush-brain culture of angry bigots, need-it-now Internet trollers, and who-needs-to-think? cable addicts.
Out of fair play, it’s fitting I give Hillary Clinton equal exposure, though I better be careful using that term—exposure—lest I titillate Fox viewers. Here we thought they were watching the beautiful, leggy, buxom female hosts to become more informed about current events. Like picking up Playboy only for the articles.
Hillary is a woman, of course, and we’ve heard the stories of the trouble women caused throughout history. Starting with Eve who, after conniving with a snake, used her God-given guile to seduce witless Adam to eat an apple, not to keep the doctor away but to create lust. Genesis isn’t explicit about the snake’s gender, but one would assume it was a guy snake since it was really Satan who is a guy devil.
The snake was probably a python since all the photographs from that period show a tremendously long snake, or in Donald the Duck speak, “a very, very tremendously long snake, I mean a very, very long snake.” His name might’ve been Monty. Lots of people are saying that (which means only me), so it must be true.
Speaking of snakes, how about Medusa? Talk about a bad hair day atop a face that turned men to stone. Her hair consisted of venomous snakes. She consorted with the sea god Poseidon, who carried a trident, a three-pronged pitch fork that had to make treading water extremely difficult. But I digress. This column is about women who have caused the ruin of mankind.
Pandora. What a gal! Her curiosity got the best of her, so she opened the box that contained all the ills and woes that could possibly afflict said mankind. No accounting for the ills and woes that have afflicted womankind. I wonder if there is a male version of Pandora? I would call him Rudy, as in the buxom—when he cross-dresses and snuggles with Donald the Duck—and sadly daft former America’s mayor who has spaced out 9-11 happening during his watch and before Obama’s term. But again, I digress.
Then there’s the hussy Mary Magdalene. She wasn’t a slut in her lifetime, but posthumously some church guy decided she had to be one to explain a lot of stuff about men not being willing to control their members. And I’m not talking about members as in fellow frat guys.
How about Joan of Arc? Burned at the stake for beating a bunch of guys at their own game. And let’s not forget the Salem witches who too got torched for being penis-less.
Then Hester Prynne showed up wearing her scarlet letter on her bosom, and proudly. Madam Hester gave the bird to the Puritan elders, and the American woman ain’t been the same since. First came Molly Pitcher, Abigail Adams, and the Seneca Falls ladies. Then Harriet Tubman, Susan B. Anthony, and Ginger Rogers who like every other woman, as former Texas governor Anne Richardson reminded us, did everything Fred did but backwards on heels.
Which brings us to Hillary, the uppity woman who began her career helping disadvantaged children and exposing—oops, sorry guys, there’s that word again—practices effectively preventing African Americans from voting. It looks as if much hasn’t changed. Four decades later, the same old same old Hillary. Still looking out and fighting for everyday people.
Probably in lunatic land the case is made for Hillary as a banshee, a frightening Irish specter who foretold the imminent death of some prominent poohbah. Donald the Duck is arguing that alongside his bromantic honey Rudy the Daft, but somehow it doesn’t seem to be working. Apparently being the insecure guys they are, they don’t like being beaten, as Senator Elizabeth Warren put it, “by a girl.”
Times have changed. History is past. Her story is now. Pope Francis has exonerated Mary Magdalene, elevating her to the apostolic level with her own feast day. Hillary is no saint, but then we’re doing the peoples’ work, not God’s. Madam President. Good ring to it.