Waldo Jones the Rich Kid

Hi, I’m Waldo Jones, Richie Rich’s cousin, and I gotta tell you, I’m loving it. More money atop more in my hands. Tax cuts. More talk about a flat income tax. Screaming stock market. More than I can spend in a lifetime. But that’s important. It’s how I measure my self-worth. By my financial worth. After all, we’re the Joneses you’re trying to keep up with. Snark! Ain’t gonna happen, loser!

Deficits, defischmits. National debt? What dat? (Cough, cough.) That’s stuff to harangue on only when Democrats, you know, the adults in the room, are in charge. Then, it’s about government spending on stupid stuff, like, you know, the poor, disabled, and retirees and seniors who trusted the system by dutifully paying their fair share into private and public trust funds. Silly them. What a bunch of losers!

Look, I’m like my president, a very stable genius. Believe me. I read Ayn Rand when I was in high school or was it during my MBA program? Golly, time flies. I can’t recall. But I do recall Rand. She was something. She saw society for what it is: winners and losers. Like a football game. A scrum. All I needed to know. Never read anything since. Other than sports pages and my man’s tweets. Right at my reading level and attention span. No siree. No need to. I got Fox and Friends to keep me tuned up.

I like to think complexically because I know life ain’t simple. It’s why I be careful of fake news, you know, all that gibberish smart-alecks throw out as facts, stuff like how Colorado’s median wage is about four percent lower than in 2007. So, what! That’s what Walmart and McDonalds are for and neighborhoods with tacky housing, which, thank God, are safely separated from mine. Unless I decide to gentrify them. Then, it’s survival of the fittest. Darwin taught us that, right? Except for evolution, which didn’t happen because God created two types of people: stable geniuses like me who know how to manipulate the free (cough, cough) market and Republican legislators to be sure me and mine get taken care of and losers whose job it is to support me and mine in a lifestyle we’ve gotten used to living and loving.

And how the American health care system is one of the most ineffective, inefficient, and uneconomical among first-world countries. Fake news! That’s all it is. Fake news! If those people weren’t so stupid to get sick and get into accidents, they wouldn’t be needing doctors in the first place. Besides, when they die, they won’t be drains on the rest of us. But not die too quickly. We need Big Pharma and Big Health to milk every penny out of them. I mean, after all, my nest egg is tied up in their stocks. It’s all about profit, baby.

Then, there’s climate change. Good gosh! Don’t get me started. More fake news! Look, really smart scientists at Exxon-Mobil have proven there’s no such thing, that all the upheaval and severity of storms and crazy weather patterns are really natural events caused by sunspots or God because he’s pretty unhappy with same-sex marriage and women aborting their babies because they feel inconvenienced. Awful. Truly awful.

Finally, all this commotion about sexual harassment. Good Lord! That’s what sex is. Men pursue women and women submit. How tough is that to get? Everyone enjoys a good grope and poke. Well, almost everyone. Don’t even think about fondling my package. Well, think about it, but no touchee. That’s sacred. Like my assault weapons. Kinda the same thing, you know. Remember Freud and the phallic symbol? And my thousands of rounds of ammo. Like my little swimmers. Got get her, boys! Yee-haw!

Yeah, I’m pretty tired of leftist snowflakes, you know, the ones who claim they are socially conscious or is it conscience? (I’ll get back to ya on that.) Pointy-heads with college degrees who think they’re like really smart because they read brainy stuff like books and the New York Times and who roll their eyes when I tell ‘em I know something to be true because I heard it on Fox and Friends, which gets into another thing: public education. Speaking of stupid. But for another time.

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