2007

28 February 2007: The Rev & Hoops

People are not always who they seem

In reference to the sub-atomic quantum world, one of the professors in What the Bleep Do We Know jocularly observes, “It can get very nutty down there.” Quantum physics suggests that reality is neither predictable nor deterministic, but boundless in possibilities and potential. The reason people should care about that is that it has meaning for human behavior and beliefs. As Mark Twain once said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

Given that, it has been fascinating to watch two media superstars, the Reverend and the Hoopster, out themselves as a biracial couple, a relationship that evolved, as you might imagine, like quarks in a quirky manner.

Hoops had recently made his racially provocative statement about how he hated white guys and loathed sharing a locker room with them, when he was notified of the results of the Anna Nicole Smith paternity question. It seems, after all, he is the father of the deceased actress’s toddler, but not because of the usual male-female coupling. Hoops was simply an anonymous sperm donor.

For Hoops though, the test uncovered two details about his essence he had heretofore not known: he is really gay and white, not straight and black. Further, getting down low into his genome, the researchers found an as yet undiscovered gene that expresses itself in a duality: the potentiality of becoming a jock while simultaneously denying gay sexual orientation, which explains why there are no gay pro players, that is, until retirement.

In the meantime, through intense counseling and DNA exploration, The Rev discovered that despite his long-term intimacy with a male escort, he is in truth black. The Rev also learned that he shares with Hoops the gene (suppressed due to his upbringing) that causes one to be both a jock and a sexual orientation denier and that he is living proof of there being no such thing as a black-so-therefore-cannot-be-gay gene, which also explains why some gay men opt for basketball rather than floristry. What The Rev realized, hence, is that he has the potential for entering the NBA despite his lack of height, dribbling ability, and closing in on Social Security, thus confirming quantum physics theory.

So with so much in common, what are guys supposed to do? Love was discovered in a chat room. Flowers were sent, massages preformed, and the blissful couple whisked themselves to Massachusetts to tie the nuptial bond.

When I caught up with the joyful couple, they were radiant with prospects for the future.

“The Rev’s NBA potential is amazing,” gushed Hoops. “We’ve been working on his hook shot, which he seems to be a natural at. His dexterity and touch are beyond comparison.”

I asked if he thinks The Rev’s minimal height and stamina would be detriments.

“Not at all,” he said. “I can attest to his ability to perform for hours on end and physical height is only a hindrance if one falls into the trap of believing the physical reality he perceives is, indeed, ultimate reality. You see, we create our own realities through our perceptions. We filter everything though our pre-constructed biases and beliefs. For instance, I used to hate showering with white guys until I discovered I am white, so now it’s way cool. So, being 50 and short should not be an impediment to a wonderful guy like The Rev.

“Besides, The Rev still has plenty of life in him, let me tell you,” he winked. “Being barred from being a practicing minister, he needs to look at another line of work. Shooting baskets can serve as a metaphor for doing the Lord’s work.”

“Really,” I mused, not able to get my arms around that analogy.

“Oh sure,” Hoops replied, “and that’s the reason for me looking at potentiality and taking a page out of The Rev’s former play book. I am entering the ministry with the intent of starting up a mega-church. Lots of souls to save along with a few bucks to be made that can make my NBA salary look pauperish.”

“Don’t you guys think that some might see you guys as self-serving, materialistic, hedonistic blood suckers?” I asked.

“That’s what we were before, before we uncovered our real realities,” enjoined The Rev. “Reality, as Hoops said, is what one creates. When I believed I was white and doing the Lord’s work, I really didn’t understand the Truth. Now because of my therapy sessions, I have been able to set aside my blinders and accept the real reality. For you see, once I was delusional, but now I can see; and once I was blind, and now I can hear. It all makes perfect sense.”

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