2011

27 April 2011: Can the possible be impossible? The Myth of Rand

Can the impossible be possible?

I had just brewed a pot of brisk tea when the doorbell rang.

“Suzy Six Pack and Joe Soccer Dad! What a surprise!” I said holding the door for them.

“Well, after reading your columns about the electoral earthquake in Georgetown, we decided to scope it out for ourselves,” said Suzy.

“And?” I asked, hanging their leather jackets on the coat tree.

“Looks the same,” said Joe, “but lasting change takes time. But I have to say, I liked your allusion to Gort and the film ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still.’ It got me thinking about the piece you wrote a while back about Ayn Rand and her followers.”

“Oh?” I mused curiously.

“You don’t know how close to the truth you were,” said Suzy. “You meant it tongue-in-cheek when in fact there are those who believe John Galt really exists.”

“Come on,” I chuckled.

“It’s true,” said Joe. “Look closely at the two key players on the national scene, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan, and connect the dots.”

“OK, you got me,” I said doubtfully, sipping my steaming tea.

“First,” said Suzy, squeezing a lemon slice, “neither has produced a verifiable, authentic birth certificate, not that that is essential. But what’s more telling is that it’s no coincidence they share the name ‘Paul.’”

“Right,” added Joe, stirring in a spoonful of honey. “Remember, Rand’s father, Congressman Ron Paul, is not only an ardent admirer of Ayn Rand and is to her as St. Paul was to Jesus, but he also is an obstetrician. The shocker is Rand Paul is not Ron’s son, but that of Ayn Rand and John Galt.”

“What?” I coughed, nearly choking on my tea.

“True,” said Suzy. “Not only that, Paul Ryan and Rand Paul are brothers.”

“That’s too bizarre,” I said in disbelief.

“Not really,” replied Joe. “George W. Bush being behind the September 11th attacks and Barack Obama being born in Kenya and transplanted to Hawaii are bizarre conspiracies only nut cases believe in, but the sperm of John Galt and an egg from Ayn Rand uniting to produce two children is quite provable if either would submit to DNA testing.”

“But Galt is a fictional character,” I protested.

“No, they say he’s really real and still with us,” Suzy countered. “Rand’s novel ‘Atlas Shrugged’ is not completely fiction. Sure, it’s primarily her philosophical treatise, but like the New Testament, it contains elements of historical fact.”

“You have to understand that John Galt is neither fictional nor human but an alien from another dimension,” said Joe. “All that stuff you have heard about Roswell and Area 51 and super secret dark budgets are true.”

“What happened is that while Ron Paul was fresh into his practice,” said Suzy, “he was given the task—privilege—of fertilizing Rand’s eggs with Galt’s sperm. He took the embryo to be Rand and raised him as his own. The other was farmed out.”

“And,” continued Suzy, “what is a little-known fact is that Ayn’s first name is ‘Regina.’ She hated it because it means ‘queen’ in Latin, but there were documents now destroyed on which she signed her name ‘R. Ayn Rand,’ hence the derivative ‘Ryan’ which serves as Paul’s pseudo surname, and, of course, named Paul for his surrogate daddy.”

“In addition,” said Joe, “they’re not alone. Over the years, Ayn faithfully had her ova frozen, so there are dozens and possibly hundreds of Rand-Galts running around.”

“So let me guess,” I jumped in. “They’re the core of the Tea Party.”

“You nailed it,” said Suzy swallowing her tea.

“Which makes them aliens,” I pondered, shaking my head.

“Gods or God impregnating women is as old as civilization,” said Joe. “In Greek myth, Zeus knocked up Alcmene and out came Hercules. Likewise, Christians believe Jesus the product of a virgin birth.”

“Tea Party leaders are the ultimate aliens,” said Suzy, “kind of like Mr. Spock without the intellect. DNA can prove it if they would man-up and undergo testing. As for birth certificates, they prove nothing other than they were born. But then, so was Rosemary’s baby.”

“So, as Rand Paul and Paul Ryan see it,” said Joe, “their job is like Hercules’ labor of cleaning out the Stygian Stables, which they see as a metaphor for the federal government. To them Medicare is merely economic animal dung.”

“It’s too whacko!” I shouted. “9/11 as an inside job and Obama mysteriously arriving in Hawaii are beyond believable, but this!”

“True for the rational mind engaged in critical thinking and relying on hard evidence,” replied Joe. “But for those engaging in ‘motivated reasoning,’ it makes perfect sense.”

“Motivated reasoning?” I queried.

“Yes,” said Suzy. “Brew more tea and after I visit your restroom, we’ll get into that.”

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