2011

16 February 2011: GOP chair a “closeted liberal”

Republican party chair a “closeted liberal”

It’s enough to cause one to wonder whether scientists in Cern, Switzerland succeeded in tearing the fabric of the cosmos with their particle accelerator.

Soon-to-be-former chair of the Republican Party Dick Wadhams commenting to Lynn Bartels of the Denver Post about the reasons he has decided after all not to seek another term says he is “tired of the nuts who have no grasp of what the state’s party role is” and “of those who are obsessed with seeing conspiracy theories around every corner.”

Wadhams didn’t name names, but wanting to get at the core of the intrigue, I contacted my local mouse-in-the-corner GOP snitch.

“So, what’s with Wadhams essentially calling the base of the Republican Party ‘nuts,’” I asked while sipping the tea he had offered.

“Really, it’s a conspiracy by the liberal, socialistic left to undermine the credibility of true believers.”

“Dick Wadhams is a closeted liberal?” I asked incredulously.

“Duh! Look not only at how he managed to hand the governorship to Hickenlooper by getting Republicans to split their votes, but also at how he grasped defeat from the jaws of victory in George Allen’s senate race in Virginia.”

“But, wasn’t the split within the GOP due to the perfect storm of having its only viable candidate Scott McInnis perceived to be a plagiarist and the Tea Party wing squeaking through grossly under-qualified Dan Maes to the nomination?”

“That’s the official MSM version, but it was all part of the Obama-led socialistic plan to keep Colorado blue.”

“How did Obama get into this?”

“Haven’t you read ‘Atlas Shrugged’?”

“Yeah, in high school. I thought it fantasy even then.”

“That’s good because it’s important you liberals underestimate its power. If one reads between the lines, Ayn Rand provides a primer on how to rescue the world from the grasp of Social Obamaism.”

“But wasn’t the book published four years before Obama was born in Hawaii?”

“Yes,” he said not taking the bait, “but just like how the Book of Revelations predicts the antichrist to rise to power before Jesus comes to our rescue, so too Rand reveals that an anti-capitalist socialist needs to come to power before John Galt can appear to save us. Obama is that socialistic antichrist.”

“Wow! I don’t recall reading that in the novel,” I said grabbing a handful of pistachios, “but maybe it was in a chapter I skimmed. Assuming, though, what you’re saying is fact, what does it have to do with Colorado?”

“First off, this is all fact. It’s as incontrovertible as the New Islamic Caliphate Glenn Beck is warning us about. Second, Colorado is the key to the fulfillment of the prophecy. Remember how Dagny Taggart finds herself meeting Galt at his haven in the Rockies?

“Vaguely. By the time I got to that point of the story, I was beginning to appreciate the power of ‘Wuthering Heights.’”

“In the chapter ‘Atlantis,’” he said ignoring my sarcasm, “Rand describes a ‘secluded refuge in a valley of Colorado where the men of ability have retreated after relinquishing participation in American society.’”

“Uh, Atlantis is a myth created by Plato. Don’t you think Rand uses it metaphorically to drive home her larger point?”

“But it’s more than allegorical. It’s a real place near Ouray.”

“Ouray, Colorado?”

“Precisely! Just like Beck has pointed out how the Bible tells us that Baghdad will be the seat of the new caliphate—the reason both Bush presidents ordered ancient sites off-limits to bombing—so did Wadhams engineer the defeat of Tom Tancredo, who really represents those of us with a crystal clear understanding of what’s happening.”

“So both George Bushes and Dick Wadhams are secret liberals conspiring to regenerate the caliphate and to overthrow capitalism? That’s about as whacky as belief in UFO sightings in the San Luis Valley.”

“You laugh, but if you look closely at a map of Colorado, you’ll see the 38th parallel dissects the San Luis Valley and Ouray sits nearly on it a few miles west.

“OK? Is there a correlation due to their geographic proximity and alignment?”

“Of course! Due to magnetic polar pulls, the 38th parallel between the 105th and 108th meridians provides the only portal to cross between this dimension and the other. It’s the reason Galt is able to use a force field to shield the valley from looters.”

“But ‘Atlas Shrugged’ is fiction, fantasy as is almost anything that takes place in Glenn Beck’s head,” I yelled spraying pistachio-laden spittle.

“That’s what we want you to believe,” he smiled. “For I speak truly: Dick Wadhams is gone but John Galt lives.

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